


Pain is Memory

by SkyPrincessCommanderBadass



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Gen, John Murphy understand Clarke's pain, Lexa died in the arms of her love, fucking stray bullet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 10:46:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7099705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyPrincessCommanderBadass/pseuds/SkyPrincessCommanderBadass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke lost Lexa, the love of her life. No one is fit enough to understand pain and hatred but John Murphy.</p>
<p>They were enemies before but now he understands. Pain is not new to John. Pain is what he is made of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pain is Memory

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at Wattpad.
> 
> https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/69929040-pain-is-memory-john-murphy-clarke-griffin
> 
> I wanted to share my work here too :))

"I'm sorry, I know how much she meant to you." Murphy says as Clarke bangs the door.

"This has nothing to do with me" She says but deep in her heart she knows it is about her. All the time, the things she does to keep her people alive.

She wanted this to be about her. She wanted to be so damn selfish because this is Lexa we are talking about. Lexa. The love of her life who died all too human tonight.

Clarke sat on the edge of her bed in Polis. Her furry covers are now drenched with Lexa's blood. She still can't believe she's gone.

"If only I did just say good bye and walked away from Heda, she would still be breathing. Abandoned and sad but still breathing." Clarke told her self out loud. Not even bothered that Murphy was there to listen.

'You're not allowed to tell anyone about us. It will put both of us in danger.'

That is what Lexa told her before they separated, before Clarke goes back to her room earlier tonight. But now that she's dead, Clarke doesn't care anymore, not even a slight care if Murphy knows.

Murphy stared at Clarke. This girl is the one who banished and ignored him for months. The girl who is stone fucking cold in giving orders. The girl who killed Finn for the good of her people. The girl who hated him for Charlotte's death. The girl who killed 300 people in Mount Weather. Wanheda as they call her. Cold hearted Clarke is gone.

"I could have continued loving her from afar... But instead I got too close and now she's dead..." Clarke's eyes are glistening with unshed tears.

...

" _This marking looks different from before" Clarke said as she noticed Lexa's arm tattoo._

_Lexa's back on Clarke, both of them naked under the covers of the commander's bed._

_"These were just two when I last saw it back in your tent when we were planning to attack the mountain men." Lexa turned to face Clarke. Sitting up as she speak._

_"Back then there were just two people who is important to me." Clarke sat up, her curious blue eyes on Lexa. "I got this one for Anya. She trained me, she made me the warrior I am right now." Lexa pointed to the lowest bracket of her tattoo._

_"This one's for Costia, i had it imprinted on me the day after her death. It helped me through the pain." She pointed to the middle bracket of her tattoo._

_Clarke's eyes is trained to the last bracket of Lexa's tattoo._

_"This one..." Lexa's thumb caress slowly the last bracket of her tattoo. "It's for you. When I thought I lost you to the mountain men." Lexa looked down, remembering what she did to Clarke at Mount Weather._

_"I had this marked on my arm when one of my scout told me that you survived." Lexa raised her gaze on Clarke whose eyes are trained on her, watching her._

_..._

_"They survived, Heda" Lexa imitates the voice of the scout who she sent to look over Skaikru._

_Lexa is never playful around people but as she tells Clarke her part of the story when the mountain men lost the battle, she's one hell of kid._

_Clarke giggled, amazed on how this person in front of her and the Heda is the same person._

_"I was so devastated when I went back to camp. But then when he said you are alive. I'm all kinds of relieved." Lexa smiled at Clarke._

...

"She dodged death so many times." Clarke said.

Murphy sat with her. Listening to the Mighty Wanheda go crash and burn. Right now, he is reminded that she is just a teenager like him.

"I was so scared when she went to face Roan in a match. I saw how strong he was, that it made me afraid, afraid for Lexa." Clarke's blue eyes finally lay on Murphy. She is talking to him now.

"I begged whoever is up there. 'Please. I haven't told her I love her yet. Please... Don't take her away from me.' I don't know who I was talking to but it gave Lexa another chance to live." Her tears began to fall. But she is smiling at the same time that she is crying.

Murphy wanted to reach out and hold Clarke but he decided not to. Or maybe not until after she finished her story.

"Have you told Lexa you love her?" Murphy asked. Clarke shook her head.

"But I kind of showed her tonight... Before I went back here I was at the commander's chamber."

Murphy understood. He nodded to Clarke. Satisfied with her answer.

"Maybe I should have told her..." Clarke said.

"It's okay that you didn't. You have shown her how much you love her. And she has shown hers."

Clarke looked at Murphy. Questioning look on her face.

"C'mon Clarke, she was shot before dusk. She held on long enough for you. She waited for you to give her the permission to go. She doesn't want to leave you.. She told you it's okay but I can see that it is not. She told you not to be afraid because she is the one who is afraid. She is fucking bleeding on your bed, not even caring to hold her wound, just to hold your hand before she goes. Hell she held her last breath for your last kiss, Clarke."

Clarke was blown away by Murphy's little speech about tonight.

...

_"That's why I-" Lexa told Clarke._

_Clarke's face changed. "That's why you're you." Lexa continues_

_"Maybe someday, you and I will owe nothing to our people." Clarke said_

_Lexa smiled slightly at Clarke, green eyes glistening with unshed tears and said "I hope so"_

_Lexa held out her arm, Clarke reached out and held on it. In a spilt second, Lexa put herself back together, her heda face back on. "May we meet again" she says but her eyes reflect something else. Hope. Hope that Clarke would't leave._

_Clarke went for a kiss, she doesn't know when she will see Lexa again so she gathered all her courage and kissed Heda._

_Lexa greatly returned the kiss, her heart clenched. She loves her so much that it hurts._

_As their lips separated Clarke saw the sadness in Lexa's eyes. A tear fell on her cheek._

_Clarke kissed her again, longer this time, assuring Lexa that she will come back for her._

_Leaving a piece of her soul to her before she goes._

...

Murphy placed his arms around Clarke's shoulder. He act as if he doesn't care but he does. But only for a few people. Including Clarke now.

"She may have died all too human tonight but she will always live here." Murphy said, pointing at his chest.

"She's immortal here." Pointing at his temples. "It will be painful, sure, but the pain will be the reminder that she will never die to you. She is never dead in your memory." Murphy said, rubbing Clarke's shoulder.

It made sense to her now. She is hurting but it is okay. She can never make it go away but it's okay. Lexa lives in pain and love at the same time. And Clarke is okay with that. As long as Lexa is alive.

...

"Bring everything you need before we go." Murphy said.

"I have it here with me." Clarke touched her pocket. Smiling at Murphy.

It contains Lexa's forehead jewelry that Lexa gave her earlier tonight and a folded drawing of Lexa while she is sleeping.

Pain is memory.

Pain is good.

Pain is Lexa.

Clarke embraced pain because pain makes her human. And pain reminds her that Lexa means so much that's why it hurts.


End file.
